Original Draft of Dowd Column

I was fortunate enough to have passed along to me the original draft of Maureen Dowd's most recent column, "Absolute Power Erupts".

They're so ready to leave the country.

They totally remind me of how I felt when me and Michael stopped dating. Democrats are being so pathetic. It's like, "Hel-lo? Are you just going to throw yourself at every semi-hot guy you run into at a party?"

It's just so lame, the way Republicans are always all, "You have no business being out that late," and "as long as you're under this roof, you're going to abide by my totally lame rules." They think they're all authoritative, walking around with their butts all clenched. (Is it just me, or do Republicans always seem to have completely flabby butts?) And, they never listen to anything. It's always like, "You need to learn some responsibility and stop having any fun." Democrats are way cooler about that kind of stuff. I mean, yeah. . .they can be lame sometimes, too. . .but, at least they listen, ya know?

What gets me is that the Republicans are all acting like they're so macho, or something. Like, you remember when they were saying John Kerry was this totally faggy guy? And how they said he was so lame because, supposedly, all he cared about was gays and how he was all afraid of the terrorists? That was lame, too. They tried to make him look totally gay, even though he was brave enough to drive his boat over the border into that one place with the floods and the kids with flies all over?

Aarrgghh...that so pisses me off!

And now, since Kerry lost, all the other Democrats are totally trying to be like the Republicans. They're so stupid. And they're ruining it for Hillary, 'cuz she's supposedly this total liberal, or something. That's so gay.

And, you know that Ken Mehlman guy? You know. . .the one that was always telling Bush how to do stuff, and what to say, and all that? Well, he was someplace down south the other day -- I think it was that Mardi Gras place -- anyway, he was all talking about how the Democrats were all stuck up, and how they all think they're so cool. I heard about that, and I was all, "OMG! They're so lame! They're the ones who think they're too good for everybody. All they care about is, "Oooh! Check out my giant truck! Oooh! Watch me shoot this gun!" It's like, come on. . .that's so high school, ya know?

I don't know how Laura and Karen and Condi can stand them. It's so sad, 'cuz they can do so much better. I think it's because they feel sorry for Bush, 'cuz they know he's so stupid and immature. And, I bet you if ask them how come they all worship him, they'll be all, "OMG! He's so cute, and he's really sweet, if you get to know him. He just acts like a jerk 'cuz everyone's always a jerk to him." Like, I'm so sure.

It's so stupid, the way people just believe Bush. And they're the same way with Cheney, too, just 'cuz he hangs out with Bush all the time. It's like, "Yeah, Dick Cheney's so hot. . ." But, I bet you if they knew how he really is, and if he wasn't Bush's best friend, they'd be all "Eew!"

And, can you believe how Bush and Cheney were always talking about how John Kerry was all rich, and he's supposedly this big loser 'cuz he knows how to dress and 'cuz does stuff for Teresa all the time. They're so much worse it's pathetic. At least Kerry didn't wear some gay blue silk jacket some foreign exchange people gave him, like Bush did. And, you should see the way Bush sucks up to Laura on TV all the time. It's disgusting.

And, now, since Kerry lost, all the other Democrats are blaming him for stuff. Like, when he was running, he took some of the money he raised and saved it, just in case he had to have some at the end of the election to help pay the recount lawyers. But they're all like, "If you were really trying, you wouldn't have needed any extra money at the end, 'cuz there's just no way Bush could have won if you were really trying to win." Give me a break! Bush had all this money, and all his friends were all over the place talking about Kerry, and how he's supposedly this big sociologist. They totally turned people against Kerry, and it was all lies.

You know Karl Rove was telling them what to do. He's the only guy I know of who they all listen to, and it was like they were all going around saying the same thing, and people were just believing them, 'cuz Karl said so. That's so lame.

And, now, it's like all the other Democrats are afraid of them, or something. They just let them go around saying that stuff, and they don't do anything about it. They're supposed to be Kerry's friends, you know? But now they're all kissing Bush's butt, 'cuz they're afraid he's going to start stuff about them, too. Even Clinton was all fake -- saying how Bush is still a good guy, even though he said all that crap about Kerry. He can be such a loser, sometimes. (But, at least he's a cute loser. Heeehee!)

Now, the Republicans are all going around like they own everything. It's like, if you disagree with them, they'll totally mess with you -- and I'm not talking about just keying your car. They'll just start making up stuff about you and spread it all over the place, 'cuz they know people will start talking, and the next thing you know, everybody thinks you're this psycho moron. Even the few cool Repulicans are all changing now. They act just like Bush and Rove. You just know it's because they're scared. Even Arlen Specter, who was always kind of cool before, is wimping out.

And, OMG! Can you believe how they're all sticking up for Tom DeLay? Is that lame, or what? I mean, duh. . .guilty!

Did you see what he said about the Democrats the other day? How they're just pissed 'cuz they lost, and how it's 'cuz everybody knows they're just lying about Republicans all the time? Earth to DeLay! You fo' shizzle ain't fo' rizzle!

Anyway, the Republicans were so lame, the way they said all that stuff about Kerry. I mean, how was he supposed to stand a chance with everybody talking about how he's a liar, and how he's two-faced? Please. . .

But, if you try to say something about the Republicans, they all get this attitude -- like, "Don't even talk to her. She's such a skank. They even make people sign pledges promising not to say anything bad about them. I mean, how lame is that?

And that Porter Goss (would you go out with a guy named Porter Goss? Eew!) guy is all running around the CIA telling people to support Bush, and not to say anything bad about him. Too bad, so sad.

Whatever. . .