I beseech you. . .

Do not buy this! If you have any belief whatsoever in the concept of Original Sin, you must not allow this stuff into your home. A very dear friend of mine gave me a couple of jars -- white chocolate, and cinnamon-raisin. And now, she must be banished.

All my life, I've been blissfully smearing Jif on white, convinced it was the closest approximation to heavenly rewards available on this rock. Well, now that's all been blown to smithereens.

You know who you are. Thank you very much. It would have been nice to know beforehand that you talk to serpents in your free time.

Now, I have to go into the mountains for a while and contemplate the universe. I will be a changed man upon my return.